My first experience with Bible Study
My Bible study journey started just after our wedding. Wanting to please my new youth pastor husband and his dad, the pastor, I found myself in over my head in a Bible study group of adults much more my senior. I was twenty years old at the time. These friends were spiritual giants in my mind; godly, holy, saints. Before I started, I wanted to quit.
I was 1000% the opposite and lacked the confidence to tell my new husband, “No, I don’t want to do the class.”
The Struggle
Like many of you, I grew up in church. But it’s one thing to learn how to sit still in BIG CHURCH, waiting patiently, listening to a preacher speak. The consequences of sin and the rules to live by felt overwhelming. I hadn’t discovered how to read God’s Word for myself, The struggle I found was that I had allowed myself to believe that my sin and shame were too much for God to forgive.
I wanted to understand “how to be a good girl”, but how can one reach the goal of living up to the expectation of righteousness when it feels too hard to attain?
How does one learn to “be good” when she believes herself unworthy and possibly unloved?
NOT ME: I was an imposter pretending to know more about the things of God than I did.
A few years into my early twenties, a mother of three small boys, Mike was in a new full-time youth pastor’s position at a different church. I was an imposter pretending to know more about the things of God than I did. But I wanted to know God, I wanted to love Him well. So I would promise God again how much I planned to read the Bible and pray. Each day, I promised myself to be a good wife and mother. I may have given up on trying to be a good person for myself as worthlessness and shame lurked in the shadows of my heart and mind.
Eventually, a beautiful woman from church took me to a Christian bookstore to buy a Bible study for women. Just as we found one that looked promising, she stated that she “knew” God had been leading me to lead the Bible study.
UM… NO! HE WAS NOT!
I knew so little. I could recite what I had heard in church all my life, and I sang many hymns from memory, but lead a study? No, thank you.
God was most certainly NOT speaking to me, besides, could God use someone like me? I was flawed, a failure, a disappointment to my parents and others.
Trial and Error in My Bible Study Journey
My friend had no idea of the fear and anxiety in my heart and mind.
I was still trying to please God and to be “good enough.” I promised to read my Bible, pray more, and do better. More often than not, my plans failed.
I decided to get real with Jesus and confessed the God-awful truth. I did not even LIKE to read the Bible. These were some of my excuses:
- I don’t understand what I read.
- My mind drifts and the Bible is not that interesting.
- I’d rather read fiction and let my imagination take me to far-off places.
- I didn’t want my sin highlighted any more than my mind already reminded me.
Toddlers on My Lap
I looked over the head of my toddler sitting on my lap twirling his pacifier in his mouth. While I tried to do my Bible study homework, he was content to sit on my lap. This was so distracting! Why would he not just take a nap like he was supposed to?
Even with my little one sitting on my lap, I learned to read the Bible study guide, fill in the blanks, and pray. At first, there was an awkwardness. “Was I doing this right?”
I suddenly saw myself there, too. I longed to sit with Jesus just as much as my little one wanted to be with me. As I held him a little tighter, I felt the presence of God whisper to me, “This is how I love you, my daughter.”
I Began to Love Him Too
I grew up believing that “Jesus loves me this I know“, but I had no idea where in the Bible it “tells me so.”
Did God love me as much as He did others? As I read my Bible with a toddler on my lap, I learned God loves me completely, fully, and without reservation.
I had tried to be good enough for God to love me, but I realized that God loved me just the way I am. He loves my imperfections, flaws, and all. That day, holding my toddler while God held me, I gave myself some grace, too.
It turns out that the preschool song is one hundred percent true. “Jesus loves me, THIS I KNOW!” and right there at my kitchen table, I learned exactly where in the Bible He tells me. I’ve also learned that from Genesis to Revelation He has written a story of love and redemption just for me. AND just for you.
Do you know Jesus?
I don’t mean to ask if you know ABOUT him, but do you know Him from a relationship with Him through God’s word? If you do not, I’d love to introduce you to Him.
I would love to tell you how you can have a life-changing encounter with the One who loves you the most. Just message me at deanna@oakpointechurch.org.